3 A.M..
I barely managed to calm down Nayul, who suddenly started crying and fussing, and put him back to sleep after feeding him some more formula. The sleep that seemed impossible to wake up from due to extreme drowsiness suddenly vanished after putting the baby to sleep.
With one hand comforting the baby, I turned on my smartphone with the other. I browsed through posts on a moms' online forum that I frequently visit. Among stories from expectant mothers and those who had given birth, a post titled "Breastfeeding vs Formula Feeding" caught my eye.
"What's better?"
Reading this one-liner, I opened my notepad and started writing like crazy.
4 Nights and 5 Days in the Hospital
During the first week at the postnatal care center, I couldn't breastfeed due to the baby's jaundice and had to rely on pumping milk. I thought I'd be happy breastfeeding once the jaundice improved. When I couldn't breastfeed, I diligently used the breast pump on schedule. However, the amount was so little that even with a lot of pumping, I could only get 30~40ml at most. Fortunately, the baby's jaundice improved, and I started breastfeeding 10 days after birth. Both the baby and I put in a lot of effort, and I even used all the strength I had to breastfeed.
"It'll get better..."
Encouraged by the words of the caregivers at the postnatal center, who said that the amount would increase if I kept at it, I tirelessly breastfed and pumped, over and over. Despite doing this for several days, the amount didn't increase. I drank a lot of water, ate all my meals, even tried lactation teas and supplements, but strangely, the amount kept decreasing. Even when I pumped, I couldn't get more than 10ml. The baby would get hungry quickly and needed immediate formula supplementation. Every feeding time was a struggle. With no milk, the baby would cry and get frustrated, and I had to endure the excruciating pain in my neck and shoulders while holding back tears. I didn't even realize when I started crying. I blamed my body for not producing enough milk and spent several days crying. One night at the postnatal center, I was so overwhelmed that I called my husband to pour out my feelings.
After coming home from the postnatal center, the sleepless nights spent feeding the baby were incredibly exhausting. I was confident about my stamina, but at some point, it felt like my body was screaming every night. I had a lot of concerns.
'Is this all I can do?'
'Is this the extent of my love for the baby?'
'Should I give up?'
However, I decided to wean, encouraged by my husband's comforting words, fearing that continuing like this could lead to depression or even resentment towards the baby.
Weaning, and What Followed
I felt much better physically and emotionally after weaning. The pressure I had felt all this time seemed to have lifted..😭 Formula feeding isn't easy either. There are many things to consider: choosing from various types of formula, checking the baby's bowel movements, adjusting the water temperature, washing and sterilizing bottles, and finding the right feeding position. Some moms find breastfeeding easier, while others prefer formula feeding. In my opinion, neither is simply easier; both have their challenges. (Though I suppose some people might genuinely find it not difficult..? 🙄)
Becoming a Parent
Parenting teaches me that tomorrow will be tougher than today, and the day after tomorrow will be even harder. But when I look at my baby, I feel immense happiness and strength. Even when every muscle in my body screams in pain as I hold my crying baby, I have no choice but to hold him. I can't help but muster the strength.
The pains and emotions you won't know until you experience them...
Becoming a parent... (I'm overwhelmed with emotion..😭)
Diary of May 25, 2023.