Today, I had an argument with my wife in the afternoon. Not sure if it was because of Nayul's back sensor, but after feeding her formula and burping her, I laid her down briefly to brainstorm for my next post. She cried intensely. 😟 I calmed her down by holding her, but she started crying again when laid down. 😟 Even when I tried laying her on her side, she reacted the same way. 😱 Late at night, my wife, who had gone to take a break after feeding her, came back and told me to stand and console Nayul, which worked. Whether sitting or standing, Nayul only calmed when being held. But when laid down briefly, she cried again. Our minor disagreement began there.
Later, I wore Nayul in a baby carrier to put her to sleep. It was time for her next feeding, and my wife said she would feed her. While my wife prepared the formula and did some laundry, I changed Nayul's diaper. Seeing that my wife was still occupied with laundry, Nayul began crying out of hunger. 😟 I contemplated holding Nayul, but since I was still wearing the carrier, I just laid her down and tried to console her by rubbing her belly. As I found her crying adorable, I smiled and soothed her. However, my wife, who finished the laundry, scolded me for making Nayul cry, asking why I couldn't just hold and soothe her.
We had a similar disagreement in the morning. Eventually, I lost my temper and retreated to our room. My wife fed Nayul but cried due to my behavior. I admit I was wrong for raising my voice, especially in front of our child. I've read Dr. Oh Eun-young's book, "Impatient Kids, Impatient Parents," several times, which addresses such temperament, but changing isn't easy.
We continuously have differing opinions on minor matters related to how we handle Nayul's crying, which often leads to disagreements like today. I searched online to understand others' experiences and even referred to the Parenting Education Manual from the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family. I've also attached the PDF link for the Parenting Education Manual Volume 5 for infants.
Child-rearing Conflicts
Child-rearing conflicts are inevitable in families. Disagreements can arise from varying parenting methods, financial circumstances, educational preferences, and dietary choices, among others. My wife and I often had differences in our approach towards Nayul's crying.
Causes of Child-rearing Conflicts
Child-rearing conflicts arise due to different upbringing experiences. The primary cause of such conflicts is our tendency to parent our children based on our past experiences, even unconsciously.
Reasons for Parental Disagreements on Child-rearing
- Parenting repetition from past experiences.
- Identifying too closely with the child.
- The belief that only one's opinion is correct.
- Gender differences in perspective.
Diverse parenting styles can offer children varied experiences, which can be positive. However, conflicts in front of children should be avoided.
Solutions to Child-rearing Conflicts
Conversing:
The issues arise because everyone has different thoughts, so it's crucial to have frequent conversations.
It's not only essential to consistently talk and understand the other person's perspective, but one's emotional state is also vital. Continuing a conversation when exhausted from childcare can lead to more negative thoughts. It would be good to appropriately share childcare responsibilities and talk regularly when both are in a good mood, understanding each other's differences (Parenting is a long journey..!!! 🚀).
I tend to be quite straightforward and prefer conversations with a clear goal (e.g., choosing baby formula, organizing the store, planning vacations). My wife usually initiates casual chats. Parenting conflicts are a challenging topic to conclude, and I expect the discussions won't be easy...🙄
Scheduling
In our case (though not exclusively), another reason for parenting conflicts can arise when one person is disproportionately responsible for childcare, or there's dissatisfaction due to inappropriate time distribution. Addressing this by setting a clear schedule, where each person can do what they're best at, can mitigate some issues. Manuals advise setting aside time for family meals and one-on-one communication with the child.
For my wife and I, the conflicts arose because we couldn't understand each other's different reactions to our crying child, Nayul. During my paternity leave, we agreed on a co-parenting schedule. Of course, even when she was younger, we never quite stuck to schedules like this..😅
Hopefully, this will reduce the chance of disagreements arising from Nayul's crying. Looking back, it might not seem significant, but given both of us are sleep-deprived and have strong opinions, with limited time to negotiate, incidents like today might happen. Now might feel tough, but when Nayul starts sleeping through the night, there'll be new challenges then.
Parenting... It's genuinely not easy..!! 😅
Disagreement on May 10, 2023